all good things must end.

The depression is setting in. I have 2 days left of work. My workshops have all ended, and now Julia and I are just finishing up editing my papers and I need to return books to some of my co-workers. I wrote about the workshops in Spanish for her so that she can correct me (even though my paper is all in English) and I thought I'd write some in my journal in English.

Upon first glance, one would think that the “intercultural workshops” were just a fun social time for old ladies, where they paint and crochet and make bracelets. At least that’s what I thought when I first went to them. But after a few more sessions, I came to realize that for some of these old ladies, it was the only social time they had. Also, even though they were old, between the ages of 40 and 85 or so, they worked with their hands and talked with people of different nations and different ages, and you could tell they thoroughly enjoyed the time outside of their house.

I miss Patro, she was one of my favorites, and also the oldest. When she talked, she had more than the Castilian lisp, she had a whistle. It makes me smile when I think of it. She also would wear crazy pins on her blouses that were obviously made by her grandchildren because they were so colorful and crafty. We often did reading out-loud for the ladies to work their brain and improve their memory, and I loved when Patro read, it sounded so sweet.

Julia also brought to my attention that some of the ladies had deep self-esteem issues, and these workshops were a place for them to talk it out. One day Julia brought in a new craft to work on, making tissue paper flowers, and she was demonstrating how to do them and some other ladies were joining in. One of the ladies that is originally from Mexico started to try it, and then quit halfway through, throwing the half-folded tissue paper on the table. Julia asked what had happened, and she explained that she didn’t think that she was doing it right, and if she couldn’t do it right, then she felt like she couldn’t do it at all. Julia made a comment to me later that so many of these ladies have so much pressure on them from their families and their situations that they become sort of perfectionists.

Sometimes a few of the ladies would cry during the workshops. It kind of upset me, but I think that they tend to be under so much stress and they hardly have an outlet, and when they come in a circle of women and start talking about their lives, it just releases. Other times they look extremely sad. Julia makes sure to start to talk to them about how at the FMP they offer free counselling and psychologists so that they could have someone to talk to more.

On Thursday mornings we would have a little bit of dance-and-sing time for the ladies, and it was funny how often they’d try and get me to come sing by handing me a piece of paper with the lyrics on it. I’d tell them over and over about how I didn’t know the tune, but they insisted I sing anyway. So I sang under my breath until I felt comfortable enough with the music. It was funny how much they would fight over what song to sing and what rhythm to sing it, and who would conduct and whatnot. They were a cute bunch. Also, one of the other volunteers would lead exercise a few times, like very simple callisthenics, so that the ladies could make sure they work their muscles and breathe correctly. One time we even did belly dancing, since the lady leading it was from Morocco, and that was a hoot to watch the old ladies belly dance. It made me laugh so hard.

We started out with about 15 ladies all together, but at the last workshop, only 6 or so showed up. In late July and early August, many Spaniards begin their month-long vacation to the various coasts of Spain. At our last workshop on July 29th, we took a picture. Belen and I were having a conversation that day about the U.S. and where I was from and how she has family there. She got mad at me at one point because she was describing her family’s vacation home in Philadelphia and how they had gardens, and I didn’t understand the last 2 things she said in the sentence. I asked her to repeat it. Then she looked at Julia and was like “She doesn’t understand a word I’m saying.” I was kind of hurt, and I tried to say that I just didn’t catch the last thing, but Julia explained it for me and then Belen tried again and I got it. Jeez. Then she was telling me that if I met anybody in the U.S. with the last name of Ortíz, I need to ask them if they know of a Belen that goes to la Reina de Casino workshops, “My sister will know what that is.” It made me smile.



After the last workshop, as a sort of good-bye party, we went to a nearby cafe. We walked into Cafe Guay, which translates to cool cafe. Yet Guay was trying to signify something else, seeing as the canopy was rainbow, and inside they had posters dencouncing homophobia and they had Madonna and MJ on the radio. I loved it. With my old ladies we went to a gay cafe/bar to get some cerveza clara (beer with lemonade, like a shandy) and chat. They didn't even make one comment about how it was a gay establishment. It's relatively normal here in Spain, they have their own gay district (Chueca) and I know the ladies wanted to go inside since it was air-conditioned. They had posters like rosie the riveter on the wall, and there were some gay couples also in there getting a drink. It made me happy to be there, to be in Spain, with my feminist old ladies and in a gay bar and nobody seemed to think it was anything out of the ordinary.

Romantic Love

Eva and Marina were doing their presentation and talking about the ideas of the prince charging in on his white steed coming to rescue the princess. "Some day my prince will come!" kind of thing, and how it is a lie. In Spain, they have a saying that everyone is a "media naranja" an orange-half and they're looking for their other half so that they can be complete. But Eva was like "We are not orange-halves. We are full people, and we shouldn't be living under the illusion that we need someone else to be complete. The idea of romantic love is a lie."

It's very interesting to me that they're spilling the beans about this myth to a bunch of teenagers. I'm not sure how much they'll believe her. I know when I was their age, or even like, 6 months ago, I wouldn't have believed her. I didn't want to believe her. But Eva was arguing that a lot of times women who are in violent relationships stay because they believe in this myth of romantic love. And that makes me sad.

But I definitely do agree that the idea of romantic love is a dangerous one. Take Twilight for example. One of my favorite things to argue about. Bella was living a passive ho-hum life until the day that Edward smelled her blood (aka stumbled in on his white horse and magically became obsessed with her) and through this and that they lived happily FOREVER after as immortal vampires. Young girls are reading these novels and watching these movies and they are just eating every little bit up. Of course they know that twilight isn't real because there are no such thing as vampires... but they don't realize that there's no such thing as an Edward. A Jacob is a little more believeable (because he actually likes Bella for who she is, not for something beyond her control.)

And finally, I wanted to talk about a shirt that Urban Outfitters is selling (but I found it cheaper on another website) from a brand called Married to the Mob, which seems to have a lot of shirts with statements about women and being sassy. I particularly like this one, and I think I will purchase it in the near future.

It finally makes sense to me that it really is what it is. "Romantic love was invented to manipulate women." I'm not sure if it was an incredibly deliberate invention, and probably occured over many generations of cultures, but it all seems to come down to the idea that women need to be passive and wait for a perfect man to come by, instead of working to find an equal partner who you work well with. Otherwise it's love-at-first-sight or "he's so dreamy" and there's not too much thought about how a relationship would really work.

I think I've finally personally been able to wrap my mind around this idea. And I'm glad. I will no longer be disappointed in relationships that aren't perfect or settle for less because I think that there's some stronger romantic attachment that outweighs a disfunctional relationship. Good deal. Also I think that shirt is really cute, too.

More about the movie workshop.

For Eva to prove her point more about how women are invisible as authors and artists with the group of kids she asked everyone to write on one side of the paper a famous author and on the other side a famous painter or composer. I was thinking "Ooh I know two women, I can do this. Author: Ísabel Allende, Painter: Frida Kahlo." The kids wrote down Mozart, Beethoven, and a bunch of other men. Some people did have a few women authors, a few other women artists. But Eva was like "Look, the majority of what you've mentioned have been men, and all European." But when she got to mine she was like "Wait! This is awesome. Do you guys know Frida Kahlo?" And only a few did. I was excited that I picked two non-European women, when I didn't realize that it was so hard to find them.

During the second day, Eva and Marina wanted to talk to the kids about Violencia de Género, o Violencia Machista (Gendered Violence). They gave the definition of gendered violence (as to diferentiate it from regular violence) as agression toward a woman by a man because he feels that he has the right to do so. It makes it become the psychology of the violence, not just that it's violence between a man and a woman. But the kids wouldn't stop bringing up examples of women who hit men, arguing that women can commit gendered violence. However Marina and Eva were arguing back and forth with them, trying to say that a woman does not hit a man because she feels that she has the inherit right to do so. It's not because she feels that she is superior to the man. It becomes other types of psychological issue. And the most interesting part about this was that there are a boyfriend and a girlfriend that are in the group, the Columbian girl and her boyfriend, and they always fight and argue in the class, and the girl often hits her boyfriend on the leg or on the head like "SMACK oh shut up! hahaha..." And she hits him kind of hard. And it's crazy that she was the one arguing that women can commit gendered violence. I wonder if in her family she does have a woman, like a grandmother or something, that doles out smacks every once and a while. I know that at least Marina is a psychologist, and she was saying that when women hit their children or grandchildren, it's often because of the hirearchy created in the family, and ultimately comes back to the agression of the man. Which I find to be a heavy statement, but I really don't know very much about it. I'd have to learn more, and I'm sure she's studied plenty about it as she works at a women's rights org and probably talks to women who are victims of domestic and gendered violence.

The columbian girl was on a roll when Eva made the statement that sex workers were all slaves, because slavery is selling oneself to another, and that is what prostitution is, and that many women are forced into prostitution for different reasons. Then the Columbian girl was talking about how one of her really good friends is a prostitute right on Calle Montera and that she loves her job and she does it for fun and for the good money. And Eva was like, "Well, your friend is SUCH an exception. I'm glad to hear that she wasn't forced into that for economic or worse reasons, but that is definitely not the case for the majority of women in sex work." And continued to discuss the idea. But the girl kept insisting that not all prostitutes are slaves. It was really interesting how she wouldn't let it go, just like she wouldn't let the gendered violence thing go.

But to be fair that girl wasn't the only one that was being all like "No, what about this?" and all that jazz. I think these kids are all at points in their lives where they're trying to figure out the world and they need to hear the rules but also the exceptions to the rules to get a better idea about things. It's good that they're argumentative and inquisitive about it, but we could hardly get anything done yesterday because we'd go on tangents arguing about rules and exceptions.

Talleres de Cine

So last Thursday started the movie workshop, where we somehow rounded up 14 kids, age 12-18, to come to the FMP so that they can learn how to make documentaries and movies under the pretense that they will be making documents about feminist issues.

The first day of the workshop, we talked entirely about machismo and sexism and gender stereotypes, and I was highly impressed at what Eva got the kids to say. First Eva asked the group to write on one side of a piece of paper, aspects of their character that they liked about themselves, and on the other side, aspects that they would like to find in a potential partner. Everyone said things like "I'm fun, and I'd like someone I could trust." or "I'm sincere, I'd like a kind person." So the point of the exercise was to show that men and women look for the same aspects in one another, it doesn't matter, everyone wants a good person. Then she asked the group to say what comes to mind when they hear the word "mujer" (woman) and then when they hear the word "hombre" (man), and we got lists like "home, sex, pretty, emotional, mother, wife, girlfriend" and "strong, machine, fear, work,...sex" respectively. The Colombian girl was like "If you're going to put 'sex' down for women, then I want it to be put under the man column." That's right, girl. The point of the exercise was that Eva wanted the group to see that we all want the same things from the opposite sex, what women want from men and what men want from women are interchangable, yet what we think of when we think of the opposite sex are not interchangable. Men aren't seen by society as those that belong in the home, and women aren't usually seen as strong. She was saying that these are stereotypes, and our society doesn't like to think that they're interchangable at all.

They were arguing about these stereotypes, and one of the boys from Morocco was like "Men do cry in real life. Not in front of people, and they'll never admit it, but they do cry." And then the Columbian girl and another girl from Spain were getting heated about how women are supposed to belong in the home because both of their mothers work, and they thought it was unfair that they had to work and also take care of the children. It was really cool to see how this simple exercise brought this out of a group of teenagers.

I thought it was rather intersting that on the first day we barely talked about movies or documentaries, which is why the kids came in the first place. We talked about how some movie trailers portray women as body parts, or always show them dressing and undressing (Pretty Woman) or they can show women clothed and as real characters like in suits(Silence of the Lambs). (Did you know that Pretty Woman is the most-viewed movie in Spain? People eat it up when it comes on cable TV so advertisers fight for commercial time when it comes on) Eva wanted to link the idea that the ways that movies portray women are often how we come to think of them in real life because of the influence of Pop-culture, and so the same stereotypes that they talked about were the ones that showed up on screen.

This might be the most interesting thing that I've gotten to do this Summer, and it's a shame that I have only 2 weeks to be a part of it. I'll be writing more on this.

my eye itches.

I have exactly 2 weeks left of my internship. It ends Wednesday August 4th. Woah. I have to move out of my apartment on Saturday August 7th, and my mom is coming in on Wednesday August 11th.

It all really seems so fast, but at the same time I'm ready for it to end. I feel like I've gotten most of what I can out of Spain and Madrid and this internship, I'm ready to take what I've got and build on it and move forward. I know I've accumulated so many new skills and experiences and whatnot, that I just want to put them to good use! I'm excited to use them. One thing I've got to say: after trying for 3 months to communicate with people in a second-language, I know that I will NEVER be nervous or ineloquent when speaking to a stranger in English again! I've got no reason to be nervous if I know the dang language. And culture for that matter.

We have a final exam in our Spanish-Business course, and I can't find the paper that we've been working on for the past 3 weeks. But I swear I never throw anything away... this is so frustrating! I hope my friends and I all took good notes and then we'll just have a study session one night. Probably over beer and wine, if I know us. But we'll get it done.

I feel bad for the people who "graduated" already (as in they walked but this was their last thing) because apparently their paper is due August 1st. I honestly could have graduated last semester. I'm wondering why I didn't. So much less money, and I'm already antsy to go out and do real things. I'm not afraid of the "real world," I don't need to hide behind the handicap of college anymore. But I'll do one more semester so that I can still be covered under my parent's insurance as a student. I'll take easy classes and work easy jobs.

"Say ole with them and you'll feel better."

My friends and I just saw an amateur bullfight, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I understand that coming from US culture I'm not okay with seeing animals get killed. But at the same time I understand that we eat meat everyday that is killed in utterly inhumane ways like blows to the head or slitting bellies while they're alive. So when a bull is killed in a bullfight it's out of respect and the animal gets to "fight", even though it's killed in the end, and then the meat is given to an orphanage. One of the biggest things though is that people go to watch it for entertainment.

I really need to let this sink in. On one hand, maybe the Spanish people are more conscious meat-eaters because they understand the animals that it comes from, when on the other hand Americans eat McDonald's everyday without giving two thoughts to where the burgers or the nuggets come from. And then we watch Super Size me and we're utterly disgusted. At least in Spain killing these bulls is an art form and has been a part of their culture for hundreds of years.

I feel like I need to do research on this, figure out how it started, what the debates have been, and where the debate is now. I also want to know how much Matadors get paid, how often they might die (this one lady that spoke English and Spanish was telling us how she saw a Matador get killed one time...) and try to see this as a whole. I think the worst thing for me to do is to outright hate it without trying to understand the cultural context.

I feel like it's a good thing that I waited 2 months into my trip here to go see one. I'm less likely to pass fast judgment on Spanish culture.

tra la la la la!

I now have a fan in my room! GLORY!!!! I unplugged my desk lamp so that I could have it plugged in full time, because otherwise I only have one free outlet, and I have to share that between charging my laptop, my phone, my camera, and then fan. Not cool.

Cheers to not waking up bathing in my own sweat anymore! Cute, I know.

Amanda's mom and aunt came to Madrid this week, and on Monday night they bought us so many drinks that they wouldn't let me go home at 2am, they made me and Amanda stay at their hotel. In the morning we were hung over and still dressed in all our Spain glory, but by Tuesday morning things were getting back to normal where people actually went to work again (so therefore weren't wearing jerseys like us), so walking out of the hotel wearing obviously last night's clothing made us look like the walk of shame. But we were staying with her MOM. Ha not worth the embarrassment.

Tonight we're going to take them to the cave bars "las clandestinas" which were where people sold booze during Franco's reign (think speakeasies), and they're small and cramped and really fun in there, plus the sangria's cheap. Lets see how it goes with Agnes and Ilene tonight!